The Written Podcast: 4 More SPAM E-mails

Way back in 2016, I wrote about the large amount of SPAM E-mails I was getting, and showcased a few that stood out more than others – those E-mails which actually put a decent amount of effort into trying to get you to obey whatever they were saying. Whether they were telling a story, a sob story about some fictitious person, or threatening you with legal action if you don’t do something – which you’d know is completely fake by how utterly poor they were written.

Sometimes, SPAM is comical. It’s funny for various reasons, whether how it’s presented, how it’s written, or what they’re actually trying to sell. A large amount of SPAM is associated with trying to get your bank details because you’ve been entered into a draw and won the prize and the organisation needs to transfer the money immediately or lose it. Whilst it would be nice to have £4million pounds, tax free go into my bank account, hassle free, It’s better off just deleting the E-mail instead.

But, if you’re me, you’d collect and save your SPAM E-mails, as weird as it sounds. Why do I save my SPAM E-mails? To be honest, it was way back in 2016 when I started saving them, now it’s 2019, I’ve genuinely forgotten the reason, but I’m sure it’s justifiable enough to keep on saving them.

This post is the sequel to my other post, and I’d like to show you 4 more SPAM E-mails that’s desperately tried to get me to sign up or hand over the details.

Note: You may have to enlarge the images to see them properly.

Other note: There is no particular order with these E-mails. It’s not counting down from what I personally believe to be the worst to the best, just a collection of some of the E-mails I’ve gathered together over the years.

1. 

The first E-mail is from a person called Jack, and he’s proposing a business opportunity. He gets extra points for spelling my name right, and capitalising both my forename and surname, which I’ve seen plenty fail to do. Almost enticing, to be honest. He then asks if I’m doing well before explaining the reason why he’s sending me this E-mail. He loses points due to how busy it is. Whilst I understand why he changed the colour of the 4 points for emphasis and draw the eye, it actually made it hard to read properly. Especially when the green sentence underneath clashes with the blue, really making it difficult to focus on what’s being said…

I didn’t answer for obvious reasons, which meant Jack was allowed to be persistent. He sent me another E-mail, asking if I had read the previous (which I had). His professionalism has declined with this, as he starts off with only but an “hi” with no name. He does apologise to me for his persistence, which was a nice gesture, and made sure it was emphasised with green writing, but again made it a little difficult to read properly. His wondering nature as to whether I had acknowledged his last E-mail, followed by how my comments would be valuable to him and his team, seemed tempting, especially when Jack is currently looking forward to my reply. I hope he sees this post as that’s all the replying he’s going to get.

2.

I especially enjoyed reading this E-mail. It’s from an anonymous person, with the nickname of filmer91, who solely operates on the darknet. He hacked my mailbox six months ago, and it took him that long to inject a Trojan into my operating system, and has been watching my every movement – my every mouse clicks, button press, website I’ve visited, (which means he also watched me save his E-mail into the folder where I keep all the rest of the SPAM I’ve kept, and is currently watching me write this post, and will subsequently watch me upload it. Ah, he’s reading this before any of you guys do; now that’s cheating.

Joking aside, he has infected my operating system. I haven’t had any side effects, although my internet did play up that day… Oh dear. Well, there’s nothing I can do about it, because according to his E-mail, I can’t change my password. The best part about this E-mail is how it states whoever’s behind this has taken a screenshot of me via my webcam – except I don’t have a webcam… I’m beginning to think something’s afoot here. Or, maybe they’re saying that to make me think he’s all rubbish, when actually it’s all true. Spooky.

After reading the E-mail, I had only 48 hours to comply with paying him through bitcoin or else. Well, it’s been some time after reading it, and nothing’s happened yet.

3.

First of all, I didn’t read that first line correctly, because I do not speak the language. My first clue for this being SPAM. I would love to make $2500 without effort, but the thought of signing up to this operation brought me to the conclusion it’ll take effort, so I didn’t do it… and I haven’t received my first paycheque yet… Am I missing something?

4. 

When I got this E-mail, a person randomly appeared in my room and started massaging me. I did not have a premium account so I was obligated to ignore it, except it was quite hard to do, especially when their hands really worked on my shoulders, untying a good amount of knots in my muscles. It was so relaxing; I could barely get any work done. Afterward, I felt obligated to reply and state my problematic time with ignoring the massage and that I’d like to sign up for the premium account. After all, since I didn’t ignore it, it’s only fair. They haven’t gotten back to me yet. I haven’t received another massage yet. I have many knots in my shoulders again. I miss that massage – it was the best.

Thanks for reading

Antony Hudson

(TonyHadNouns)