The Watch – Part 234:

(Tom’s perspective)

I wonder how long I’m going to stay in here. What if I act as if I’m not bothered? That might confuse them. That might actually be fun. I can imagine their faces now: Seeing me lying here, on my back, not bothered about being here; that must be really irritating, because I have information that they want, and they are expecting this cell to break me and spill my beans, but instead, I’m just going to stay here, waiting for someone to come and get me.

Oh, that would be so awesome. Someone appearing out of thin air, only for us to disappear. The amount of questions they will have will be incredible. That makes me nearly want to come back and watch their reaction, but that would be completely pointless. Once I’m gone, that will be it. Once my back is turned, I will not be turning it again.

I’ve only just realised how many transitions I’ve gone through in such a short period of time. It really doesn’t feel as if it has only been a day and a half. No, actually, it has only been a day, because I came here in the middle of yesterday, and it is now the middle of the next day, that’s a twenty-four-hour period. Blimey, it has only been one day. That’s incredible.

The exhaustion of feeling so many emotions in one go and having to get used to a new place finally started to kick in.

I find it ironic that I may actually get a good night’s sleep after the biggest change of them all. Or should I say contradictory. I’m not sure. I’ve never been good with identifying the correct use of irony.

My eyelids start to droop; I’m about to fall asleep.

I think the word unexpected hasn’t got any weight behind it now. Not because I’ve said it so many times, but because so many unexpected things have happened that anything unexpected is now expected. I should start expecting the unexpected, which would make then cancel out anything that can be classed as unexpected and make everything completely expected. I did have a point there, but all I ended up doing was saying the word unexpected too many times, and it is actually starting to have no meaning, and the other definition of that phrase as well. The word unexpected having two types of ‘no-meaning’ is weird. Which is unexpected. And I wasn’t expecting that. Now that has to be at least a version of irony. If it isn’t, then I don’t know what it is.

Actually, I don’t think what I am feeling is exhaustion. No, it’s something else. It’s something that I never thought I would be feeling, because I never knew it was a feeling to feel.

Oh, now that’s weird. That is very weird. I should come up with a name for this feeling, unless there is already a name for it, but because I’ve never felt this feeling before, I never had need to find out the name for it. But I would like to know what it is. Ok, here’s what I’m going to do, I will invent a name for this, and then I will seek out the proper name for this later. Someone else must have felt this before. It’s pretty impossible to feel something no one has ever felt before. Our brains may be wired to think different, form unique ideas and opinions, but they are exactly the same when it comes to feelings. At some point, we all – every single one of us – feel the same feelings at least once in our lives. But it is weird to feel a new feeling that I’ve never felt before. And that weirdness is adding a new layer to the feeling, transforming it into something different once more.

If I am to name this, I will have to describe it. So, how do I describe it? Well, before I can describe it, I need to identify the source. And the source, I guess is this place. Laying here, in this cell triggered the feeling. So, maybe it was something that I was thinking about that triggered it. Let’s see… What was I thinking? The first thing that I was thinking about was how I was finding it funny that I wasn’t being affected by being in here as much – if not at all – as Dr Amanda expected me to be. Then I moved on to thinking about the many changes of environment I’ve gone through since coming here, and then that feeling started up. Well, that doesn’t help at all. I still have no closer to describing that feeling, and even further away from giving it a name.

Maybe I can leave it to my subconscious to figure it out. Or maybe I can sleep on it. Maybe I am actually exhausted and need to get some sleep. I don’t know what else it could be.

Oh, I don’t know.

What I do know is that being here would actually help me in figuring it out. No distractions. And now that I’m not worried about anything. No distractions times 2. And now that I don’t care anymore. No distractions times 3. I’m able to think clearly and freely. I am able to… be myself.

That’s it. That is it. That is the feeling.

I am experiencing the feeling of what it is like to be on my own. That sounds bad. Hang on, let’s see if I can better it. I am not worried and I don’t care, and I am in this place, where there are no distractions of any kind.

I now know what it is like to be alone with myself. This is what it is like to have some me time. My thoughts are able to wander because they have no obstacles getting in the way. That is the feeling.

‘Tom,’ a man’s voice called, making me jump. Well, that didn’t last long.

‘I was enjoying the moment, you know,’ I called back.

‘Dr Amanda would like to see you now,’ he said.

‘I bet you’ve been waiting to say that for ages,’ I said. Nope, that didn’t make any sense.

‘Just get up.’

‘OK.’

TO BE CONTINUED…

Thanks for reading

Antony Hudson

(TonyHadNouns)