The Watch – Part 236:

(Tom’s perspective)

I have to admit; I don’t know what is going to happen next. When I got back to my cell, I thought I would be able to figure out what the next step would be, but the unpredictable nature of Dr Amanda and the organisation she is in charge of prevents me from coming up with any sort of prediction, whether it is accurate or not. So, I’ve resorted to just laying here in waiting for the next step. If and when she needs me, Dr Amanda will come and get me, or should I say send one of her people to come and collect me.

What I said back there was OK, wasn’t it? I don’t know why I’m questioning it. This is about the third time I’ve told myself that it doesn’t matter because once I’m gone, I am gone and there is no returning. But there is a small part of me telling me that what I said was too dangerous to be in the wrong hands. I gave away too much information for their own good. But, in actuality, the more I replay our conversation over in my head, I revealed hardly anything. All I did was tell them that when Sebastian get here, they will need to step aside otherwise they will be met with a surprise. I know that sounds like a threat, but that was the best way I could make them listen. All I want is to get off this planet, and as soon as. The last thing I want is to cause any problems.

I know how much I have changed since coming here. In such a short amount of time, my thoughts have bounced all over the place, making it incredibly difficult to know what to process at any one time, but as much as I have changed and become self-aware of how much I have changed, I am still being pushed back by who I used to be. Why would that be a problem?

‘How much have you changed?’ a familiar voice said. I turned my head and saw Alex sitting at the end of the bed.

‘Am I dreaming again?’ I said.

‘You could say that,’ she said. ‘I told you that if you ever need me, I’ll be here. And here I am.’

‘Do I have a problem, then?’ I asked.

‘I wouldn’t be here if you didn’t,’ she shrugged, casually.

‘But, I don’t know what that problem is,’ I said. ‘I know you do – and by you, I mean my subconscious do – so why can’t you tell me what that is and we can go from there?’ I asked, already knowing the answer.

‘I’ve already told you,’ Alex said.

‘I may need another hint,’ I said. She sighed.

‘How much have you changed?’

‘So, what you are saying is, the problem that I’m facing is my wondering how much I have actually changed since coming here,’ I said slowly to try and explain things to myself as well as Alex.

‘I am,’ she nodded. ‘I would like to hear how much you think you have changed by.’

‘OK,’ I said, gathering up my thoughts. ‘Well, for starters, when I arrived, I was suffering from loneliness, I was terrified, and I was unable to make the simplest of decisions. I am now able to do that. I was worried about being stuck here for the rest of my life, but I have come to terms with that and I now believe in my best friend that he will make it right – he is the only one capable – and as a result of that, I used to care more than I realised I should about not drawing attention to myself. Now, as I have said three times already, I am not bothered because once I’m gone, I’m gone.’

‘When you arrived, you experienced basic emotions that were just a bit emphasised from the effect of travelling here through the Void, and your ability to make simple decisions was also affected by that. Of course you would be worried about being stuck here. Who wouldn’t be,’ she shrugged again, ‘and you already knew that Sebastian would come and get you, despite the odds. You’re only now just letting yourself think that without constantly challenging it. But you already knew all of that, so I ask you again: How much do you think you have changed by?’

‘Are you saying that I haven’t changed at all?’ I questioned.

‘I wouldn’t say that you haven’t changed at all, because you have, but I’m just asking you whether you have done so as much as you think you have.’

‘Don’t forget the fact that I figured out the problem that I had about telling you everything,’ I said.

‘The problem you had about telling Alex,’ she corrected. ‘Remember, I’m only a projection of your subconscious imitating her image.’

‘Alright, yeah,’ I said.

‘No you are trying to avoid the realisation that you haven’t changed as much as you first thought you did.’

‘Well, it’s a bit of a hard hitter, don’t you think?’ I said unintentionally angry, because I was only getting angry with myself. ‘What do you suggest I do, then?’

‘That’s for you to decide.’

‘You’re me,’ I countered.

‘And I’m you. There is a difference, please don’t forget it, Tom. The last thing you know you want is for you to forget that.’

I sighed. ‘I know.’ I laid my head back down on the pillow. ‘I know.’

So I haven’t changed as much as I first thought. I’m still myself. I’m still the same person who was running around in the concert before all of this happened.

‘Is that a good thing, though?’ I asked.

‘Do you believe that it is?’ she asked.

Tough question.

‘But it’s one that needs to be asked.’ You would think that I would be used to Alex being able to hear my thoughts. She is me after all. And that will always be weird to say.

‘Stick to the problem,’ Alex said.

‘Right.’ Is it a good thing that I haven’t changed much? Well, yes.

‘If I’m still the same person as I was before all of this, then it wouldn’t be a problem for me to fit right back in when I go home. I will be able to carry on as if everything’s normal, because it is.’

‘And is that what you believe?’

‘It is.’

‘Then I believe I have completed the task I came here for,’ Alex said. ‘I had better get going. There’s someone at the door.’ And then she disappeared, leaving behind no trace of her ever being there.

‘What?’ I asked, and then I heard the four knocks.

I sat bolt upright as I snapped out of my nap. I must have dozed off. I didn’t know I was that tired. Maybe I wasn’t, but just needed that talk with Alex.

‘Tom,’ someone called behind me. I sat upright and saw Peter standing behind the bars.

‘What is it?’ I asked.

‘Dr Amanda needs you.’

‘Lead the way,’ I said standing up.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Thanks for reading

Antony Hudson

(TonyHadNouns)