The Watch – Part 249:

(Tom’s perspective)

I tried. I swear I tried. I did everything that I could. But it just wasn’t enough. I’ve failed. And now I’m back in the room, tied up. Dr Amanda’s standing before me, with her arms crossed, talking. But I’m not paying attention. I can see her mouth moving, but all I can hear is my own thoughts, screaming at me, describing what I could have done better. There are so many scenarios flickering before my eyes, showing me so many ways that I could have escape them, yet I failed to follow them all. I should have pre-planned it. I should have thought more about what to do next, but I didn’t, and now I am going to pay for it.

I thought that I would be here because I gave a run for their money, but I didn’t get very far at all. I was too weak, tired, my head was too full that I struggled to process the next second before it had already passed and they were on me, capturing me, dragging me back here. It was as if I made no effort at all.

I swear I did. I tried my hardest. I pushed myself further than I ever pushed myself before, but it just wasn’t enough. I failed. And now I am going to go to hell and back once more. Dr Amanda is going to push me until breaking point, expect me to scream the information she wants. I can’t do that. I refuse to do that. I will not let her win. I’ve already failed, I don’t want to fail again.

But is it all worth it. I don’t care anymore. I can’t be bothered to care anymore. I didn’t do what I knew I could do and I failed. I let myself down. I should have done it when I had the chance and now that opportunity is gone. I will never get that back. What is done is done. I have failed.

I thought I was going to win. I thought I was going to get out of here. I thought I was going to triumph over those that beaten me, pushed me, tortured me, but I went the wrong way. I knew I shouldn’t have gone down there. I knew I should have followed my instincts and turned back, and turned left instead of right, but instead I carried on down the wrong route, and I ended up exactly where I didn’t want to be. Failure.

I was as optimistic as any one person could have been in that situation. That excitement of knowing that the exit is only moments away, metres away, but to then fall back down to the bottom, being dragged all the way back down to where I started, possibly further, hurts more than anything Dr Amanda can throw at me.

I might as well give up here and now. Who am I kidding, I have given up. I can feel my body going numb with uncaringness, my brain is slowly going quiet with vacancy. There’s nothing left for me except to stay here and let Dr Amanda do what needs to be done, except I will only be making things worse for me because I won’t talk. I don’t know what else she can do to me without killing me, but I know that whatever it is, it will be worse than death. I don’t want that. Why would anyone want that?

I tried. I swear I tried. I did everything that I could. But it just wasn’t enough. I’ve failed. I wish I could go back and chance what I did back there. I would do anything to not be here after making the stupidest decision of my life. I should have gone left, not right, but I did anyway. Why? Because I’m an idiot. I deserve to be here. I’ve failed.

Dr Amanda’s still standing in front of me, talking to me, but I’m not hearing a single work she’s saying. I don’t care for her words. Whatever she’s saying is irrelevant because it’s not as if she’s telling me a set of instructions. There’s nothing for me to do. That’s it. The end. I’ve failed.

I did so much, though. I really did try so hard to make it all work. The moment that I arrived in this world, I did everything that I could to try and get by, only if it lasted for a couple of days, and I did exactly that. I met Tim, who did nothing but help me, and I cannot be more grateful for that, but I don’t know if he’s a dream or not. I tried so hard, and go so far, but in the end, it’s completely and utterly pointless.

Every decision that I’ve ever made has led me to this point. If I knew that I was going to end up here, I would have chucked in the towel there and then. What would be the point in trying if I was only to end up here anyway? A failure. A complete and utter failure, devoid of any senses, and of any rational thought.

I can feel my mind shattering. I can feel the doors closing, the windows being boarded up, and the curtains closing. My body’s going numb. I’m starting to shake due to lack of blood circulating through my body. It’s all just sitting there, not bothering to move, because I’m not bothering to care anymore. It’s the end. I’ve failed.

I tried. I swear I tried. I did everything that I could. But it just wasn’t enough. I’ve failed.

I tried. I swear I tried. I did everything that I could. But it just wasn’t enough. I’ve failed.

I tired. I swear I tried. I did everything that I could. But it just wasn’t enough. I’ve failed.

I tried. I swear I tried. I did everything that I could. But it just wasn’t enough. I’ve failed.

And now I’m back in this room. Dr Amanda is talking to me, but all I’m hearing are my own thoughts.

I guess there really is only one thing left to do.

As much as I will hate myself for it, but who cares anyway because I already hate myself. I have reached my breaking point.

I will tell her what she needs to know.

She has won.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Thanks for reading

Antony Hudson

(TonyHadNouns)